My mom always told me, “You can be anything you want to be, and you’ll be the best at whatever that is!” As someone who changed his mind daily about what he wanted to be, this was great information to have. But somewhere along the way, this sentiment changed in my head to, “Because you are gay, you’re going to NEED to be the best at everything, because then when people find out that you’re gay, they won’t care so much.”
After years of working hard at EVERYTHING, and needing everyone to like me, I finally got to a point in my mid-30s when I was exhausted, and the disempowering story I’d been telling myself became perfectly clear. I looked at my story head on through reflection, meditation, and talking with others, and through that process, I re-membered some real truths about myself and my life. In short, I remembered that I am human and being human often means being messy, that I am perfect – right now – especially in all of my humanness, and that my happiness is the world’s happiness. I changed my story and fell in love with all of me again, and for the first time since I was a child I settled back into my authentic self, and experienced the beautiful person I am…with no caveats.
Now, as I climb this mountain of life, it is as a whole, unique human being, in love with every part of me. The Nine of Wands, for me, is that beautiful reminder that life absolutely requires effort and engagement, but when the final push is needed, it is both more effective and more satisfying to climb with ALL of your parts intact, loving them fully. 🙂